Dorm moving procedures at the end of the year that will make this anything but a smooth process

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By Webdesk


Congratulations, you made it to the end of the year. Here are a few tips to help you get out of your dorm rooms:

Log in to your housing portal and click on the ‘Express Checkout’ button. This will immediately cut power to your room and disable your key.

Make sure the previous step is the last thing you do. We probably should have mentioned that.

Have your parents try to find the designated parking spots because our student volunteers made the plates out of the brown paper towels and they all blew away.

After doing a few laps around the entire campus, you’ll find the one remaining spot next to a large grassy area where you’ll need to carry all your gear.

There are three rolling bins to be shared among the thousands of students leaving today. If you’re lucky enough to find one, your stuff will constantly fall out of the big holes in it. They also absolutely do not roll on grass.

Even though it’s ninety two degrees please wear jeans and long sleeve shirts as our lawn is infested with ticks.

For your safety, we asked the local police to harass you for not having a ‘move’ parking ticket while making the ten trips back and forth from the dorm.

Make sure you collect all your recycling and rubbish and then just throw it all in the same huge overflowing dumpster.

Endure the protests you get from your university’s “Keep Our University Green Club” members.

Brush the nine-month dust from your dresser drawers, desk, and windowsill onto the floor.

Use one of the old pizza boxes under your bed to blow all the dust into a corner.

Take down your Minecraft poster and use it as a can by scooping all the dust picks on it and pouring it right out your window.

If you don’t have a poster to scoop up the dust, use your debit card to toss them in the trash and pour it out a window.

Carefully pull off the “no stick” Command hooks on your wall that take bits of cinder block with them.

Ignore the angry looks you get from your roommate’s parents when you walk past them after pouring the dust bunnies on their heads.

To get your room inspected, try to find the main RA by walking three miles and guess which quad they should be in this year. It will probably be one of the rooms where the lights are off for some reason and there are no markings on the closed door. However, you will definitely hear some loud music playing, which will only obscure the sound of your knocking on the door.

Don’t worry if you forget your mattress protector; it will be super easy to find another one to match our obscure “Twin-Long-Proprietary-Dimensional” mattresses for next year.

Find out that the head of RA is still studying abroad in Ireland, and you have to pay $125 because you can’t return your key.

Pay your parking ticket and cleaning fee within 24 hours to receive your grades.

And, as long as you signed up for the dorm quests that ended five weeks ago, see you next year!





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