The coronavirus that spread across the United States and became a pandemic in March 2020 will go down in the books as one of the most difficult times in our country’s history. Nearly every American experienced significant disruptions to their daily lives, with financial hardship and physical isolation often leaving lasting scars. It was a terrible time, and one we will never forget. Today, however, it looks good. President Biden recently declared that Covid is no longer a national emergency. What does that mean? Well, I’ll tell you.
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We are post-pandemic. We are immortal. Those who are still alive cannot die.
It’s time to bask in the knowledge that we’ve defeated the feverish viral plague. Go without fear, because those evil RNA invaders can do no harm to you anymore. You are the chosen Americans. The virus has been banned from every corner of our great nation, even stupid Arkansas, which never listened to me, and you have emerged as survivors from the other side. Join me in celebrating maskless in a very crowded room, my friends, because nothing – nothing – can take your life now.
I have worked in the American public health sector for over 50 years and in that time I have witnessed many terrible health crises: cancer. AIDS. The measles. The H1N1 flu. But the coronavirus has surpassed them all, with more than 104 million documented cases in the United States, though the real number is much higher. And why did the pandemic spread so quickly? Was it because we didn’t understand the disease, or because our healthcare system doesn’t provide a safety net, or because we live in a culture driven by selfishness? No. It was because Covid was our last test.
Now it’s over. Finished. Finito. Covid is over and nothing can kill us anymore.
Getting into traffic. Jump off a cliff. Try it! You’re not dying. That is not possible. You are now indestructible. Pain and suffering can find you no more, and the flame of your life force will shine eternally. Buy a gun. Load it with bullets. Put the barrel in your mouth. Pull the trigger. You’ll be all right.
More than 1.1 million Americans died from Covid. My medical opinion is that it’s great that they passed away. They died so we could all live. Forever.
Do not you see? Covid was our last earthly trial. That’s what I suspected all along, which is why I initially stated that masks wouldn’t help, even though the virus is transmitted through air droplets. I knew that the leaders of our country had to step back and let the final retaliation take its course. That’s why when I advised Presidents Trump and Biden — both of whom, by the way, have defeated Covid and will now never die — on the disease, I emphasized that we should disrupt American life as little as possible, because I knew that once the coronavirus had exterminated the weak among us, only the strong, courageous, and fruitful would remain, who would forever carry the torch of civilization.
Yes, my friends, we are the vaccinated ones. Death cannot touch us. We killed death. Gone are the days of sorrow and pain. We will never see another fatal car accident, another pulmonary embolism, another triple homicide on this earth! Come, Immortals! Take off your earthly linens and dance with me! I am naked before the swirling cosmos. Pour fire on my head, for it will not harm me. Join me now in singing the song of our eternal life, of our ultimate triumph over disease and the fragile corporeal human form! Praise with me that noble coronavirus for taking the weak and leaving us to inherit this disease-free utopia! AEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
People with so-called long Covid also lie. Get over it! There is absolutely nothing wrong with you other than the fear of going out and real to live!
Have fun, freaks!