Why God Decided Dogs Can’t Live As Long As Humans

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By Webdesk

Hey, it’s me, God. Not to toot my own horn, but I think I’ve knocked this creation thing out of the park. I mean, I really have it all sorted out. You guys will love what I did with the place. Wait until you see the constellations. There are so many different ways to make milk. Moreover, you will never believe where cashews come from.

But listen, there’s just one catch: I’ve decided that dogs can’t live as long as humans.

I know. I’ve spent hours thinking about this and weighing my options. Look, I made man’s best friend, didn’t I? I did. For you. Because I love you. Can’t we just leave it at that?

You think, “Jeeze, God, why do elephants and sea turtles live so long, but dogs don’t?” Sure, fair question. At one point I considered making it so that no animal could live as long as humans. But in the end I decided it was a bad idea.

Okay, I don’t want to spoil anything, but there is a huge scientific discovery around 2400 AD that is directly related to a man’s innate jealousy of sea turtles and his reluctance to face his own mortality. This is important because it leads to a huge plot point in the evolutionary timeline, so to scrap that whole thing now would be a lot more work for me, and I’m already under a lot of pressure. I’m also not saying that people will have the ability to grow shells and extend their lifespan in 2432, but that’s not me. not say that. You know, you’re the ones who go on and on about, “Oh, God has a plan. God has a plan.” I do. And that’s the current plan.

Okay, thought experiment time. I want you to imagine a world where dogs outlive the people who raised them. Not so great, right? Did you think things couldn’t get sadder on your planet? Well, there you have it – the ultimate sad earth. I’ve had a lot of bad ideas. I’ll be the first to admit that. That flood? Plenty, my mistake. Turns out Noah’s bloodline burns in the sun. But I can’t imagine a world worse than one where a golden retriever watches his lifelong person, Gilbert, die of emphysema.

I considered scrapping the concept of dogs altogether, but felt guilty for forgetting to give each of you a purpose in life. I got so excited and wrapped up in the rollout of my entire creation that I let some things slip, like giving you a well-defined reason for being. Hey, nobody’s perfect. Especially you. (Remember that apple thing? I’m sure.) But it’s okay, you see, because I gave you dogs to make up for it. I even took out that gene in them that causes meanness. So all they are capable of is loving you. Just like me.

I now realize I probably should have taken the meanness out of your kind too, because I feel you are still angry. Trust me, I’m the one who created passive aggressiveness. Do you remember when I forgave you all your sins? Well, feel free to extend that same courtesy to me.

And no, I don’t take questions about cats. They are something completely different. But between you and me, I don’t get them either.

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